Log in

No account? Create an account
I don't get out much, so I watch Science Fiction
EVA is not a game 
6th-Sep-2011 12:58 am
Us with Nichelle Nichols at Fedcon
While John Crichton learned a lot during his time in the Uncharted Territories, he seems to be unwilling or unable to learn this simple lesson, regardless of all the things that happened to him before. So he continues to don his spacesuit and evac Moya or any other given craft at the first chance he gets, most of the times without even bothering with the number one safety precaution: tightening oneself to the ship.

So here are a few examples of what can happen to you if you don’t adhere to these safety protocols and still insist on going EVA.

1. You get stranded over a burning moon with your companion slowly dying at your side (and losing your good luck charm in the process, that jackass)

So in this instant, the intentions of John Crichton were, as usual, the best, but, as usual, anything that could have gone wrong, went wrong.
With no other option at hand to lure Scorpius away from Moya, Crichton and his companion D’Argo intended to blow up a moon with a Peacekeeper Gammak base on it. They did achieve this by sending a transport pod full of explosive material into the oil sea of the moon evacuating the transport pod just a few moments before it hit the moon.
Now, while they’re circumstances were dire they became even worse when Talyn, Moya’s offspring, decided to listen to Crais and fly away while Moya, who’s presence was detected by the Command Carrier way too soon, had no chance but to starburst away, leaving Crichton and D’Argo stranded in space with Aeryn in her Prowler still looking for them, but still unable to get to them.

A truly awful situation!

2. You get forced to make your way between a ship and a transport pod with only a gun as propulsion (and no spacesuit!)

So, even though one would think, Crichton learned something from that last encounter with space, he obviously didn’t and jumped to the chance to get out into space again. And this time, he didn’t even wear a spacesuit!!!
Granted, again, this was not as Crichton had planned it and the majority of the blame for him being in this situation should be devided between the little weasel Ro’na, the slimy, suck-up PK Captain Braca and, as always, Scorpius.
But let’s start at the beginning. Crichton, who just wants a quiet life, has agreed to marry princess Katralla. Of course, Scorpy is not happy with this, so he bribes Ro’na, the Princess’s servant and she lures Crichton into a ship where Braca ambushes them.
Now Crichton has a nervous breakdown, or a psychiatric episode (whatever you want to call messing around with a well armed PK Lieutenant screaming things like “Kill my sexlife, kill my sexlife”) and Braca is confused as hell, leaving the former free to dispose of Ro’na and set the automatic weapon system of the planet to destroy the ship they’re in.
While Braca has the foresight to leave the doomed ship in a proper spacesuit, Crichton is now trapped and has no way to get to the nearby transport pod other than drifting there by himself, propelled only by a little gun, while mines and exploding ship parts float all around him!

Yes – this situation is even worse than the last!!!

3. You get hit by a tremble of your ship, leaving you in danger of floating off from the secure hull into open (debris filled) space

So, still not having learned from his last two encounters with it, Crichton again volunteers to go into space when it’s necessary to help D’Argo free Moya from cables she got tangled up in after having been hit by an artificially created storm.
And again he didn’t bind himself to Moya with anything but just went merrily out there, still so trusting that nothing could go wrong.
But of course, it does again and after a quick check up to see if D’Argo is alright (he DID fastened himself to Moya with a cable, by the way), Crichton endeavours to finish his work by freeing the cables. This should be an easy task, but because this is John Crichton it turns out not to be that easy.
First, he gets thrown off of the hull when Moya trembles, but fortunately he can grab a cable to save himself from floating into space. But then, another tremble hits, and not having secured himself even after this first near miss, Crichton is thrown off the hull without any chance to grab a cable in time. Will he float off into space debris, never to be seen again?

Another dire situation!!!

4. You’re stuck in a Budong stomach, having been spaced by a soulless, tinheaded adolescent pig of a spaceship

Again, Crichton’s comrades call on him to go EVA, this time not technically into space but into a Budong stomach, where Talyn is stuck at the moment.
Having devised a brilliant plan to get out of there by getting the Budong to throw up, Crichton has been left with the task to set an explosive charge, which then is to ignite ice, which the brave Stark and Rygel have fed to the Budong. Once ignited it will cause the Budong’s tummy to ache terribly and give him the urge to vomit, in the process blasting the little Leviathan out too.
Well, surprisingly everything goes as planned, until Talyn (adolescent pig that he is) decides that Crichton no longer serves any purpose and closes the hatch right into his face.
Understandably Crichton isn’t really happy about that and the ice is about to ignite, blasting Talyn out of the Budong at the speed of vomit, leaving Crichton behind in the wake of it.

Will he survive this terrible situation?

5. You get swallowed by a nasty big ass wormhole

So, surprisingly, Crichton is still alive to make the same stupid mistakes he made before!
And this time, it really comes down to his stupidity. There is no immediate threat, no enemy who has to be thwarted, no giant space monster to escape from. Nothing!
John Crichton just feels like the space in the GIANT Leviathan Moya is not big enough for him to avoid the awkwardness around Aeryn (another story for another time) and he wants to “smell” a wormhole up close, so he leaves the ship on his own accord, under no duress whatsoever and he again blatantly disregards that safety rule number one.
Well, granted, to his defence it has to be said that this time, tightening himself to Moya probably wouldn’t have been too helpful, because a BIG blue nasty wormhole appears and swallows the poor stupid Crichton whole, before Aeryn even can finish saying “Get the ship ready!”

Whew, this situation is quite bad!

6. You finally are where you wanted to go for the last four years – Earth! But you are stuck in orbit with little oxygen left and no way of communicating with your fellow Earthlings

So, having braved the big nasty wormhole and even Einstein’s ramblings and all those weird unrealized realities, Crichton finally got that whole wormhole travel thing straightened out – turns out the key is fear, who would’ve thought?
Now he attempts to go back to Moya by thinking very hard about wanting to go home – anyone see the flaw in that plan, too?
Yeah, thought so! So, after having traversed the wormhole successfully, Crichton opens his eyes and sees… a giant grey rock! What could that be??? He turns around and – oooops! Turns out home is still Earth to Momma Crichton’s baby boy!
Now just to find a way to resolve the whole I’m floating in orbit issue!

What a nasty example for the value of the line “be careful what you wish for”!

7. You float outside the ship, suddenly landing in a cartoon environment – and what the frell is space station MIR doing in the UT’s???

Now, to include this situation is cheating a little bit because a: it occurs before the two situations directly above and b: it isn’t really dire.
But it IS ridiculous and just damn funny, so I’ll put it here anyway! Sue me!

I will not describe this situation any further though, because frankly, any attempt to try and explain anything about this would just end up with me banging my head on my keyboard, trying to escape the madness!

And this concludes my little ramblings about the no goes of space exploration!

Hope you enjoyed them!
6th-Sep-2011 09:21 am (UTC)
Jacquelee, that was a fun read and it made me realise just how 1. unlucky, 2. stupid John Crichton can be! LOL Great fun and great entry!
8th-Sep-2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! Yeah, he's really both unlucky and stupid, isn't he?? *LOL*
6th-Sep-2011 01:22 pm (UTC)
Superb. He is both unlucky AND stupid isnt he?

This whole entry makes me think of the greatest line Zhaan-never-said-except-in-the writings-of-a-fan (not me). To wit:

"Are you SURE you're a trained astronaut?"

Thanks for the article

8th-Sep-2011 05:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Hehe, would have been nice if Zhaan actually said that, wouldn't it?
8th-Sep-2011 07:28 am (UTC)
LOL! That was a brilliant idea to focus on, and very well presented. Terrific job!
8th-Sep-2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot!
15th-Sep-2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
AMAZING ENTRY BB! Oh John Crichton... Okay when I read this it made me go "huh, seriously john?" and you sit back and go he's supposed to be smart right? oh well *pets him*
This page was loaded Dec 18th 2018, 9:01 pm GMT.